Although I consider myself to be a somewhat crazy optimistic…my 2007 has, excuse the french, sucked ass.

To put it plainly…I have a major phobia of vomit. Mostly just the sick kind of vomit. I dont care if I know that they’re hungover, sick from meds, or dying of some disease (of course, using that phrase loosely)..but if I know theres a flu, rhotovirus, or some sort of sickness going around, I find it difficult to remove myself from my humble abode, and be social.
It wasn’t until this year that this phobia really crept up and bit me. I never liked the thought of sickness and throwing up, but for some strange reason, its really cramping my life in the last couple of months.

I have this friend, whose only just turning 9, who has a few short weeks to live because he’s got a brain tumor wrapped at the top of his spine. It sucks to think that he’s living everyday like its his last, literally, and I can barely live this perfect life that the man above has graciously allowed me to keep. I’m selfish, I’m crazy, I’m constantly worried Im sick….and I dont know what to do about it.

I wake up in the middle of the night wondering if Im going to be sick, I go to restaurants and eat their food, wondering who’s sick there, and if they prepared my meal. I cant see my nieces after they come home from their school because it’s public and Im afraid they’ve caught something. I can’t take the mini bottle of GermX out of my bag because if I do, I’ll get sick immediately. I can’t hear noises in my stomach without thinking that its because Im sick, and I immediately convince myself that I have the stomach flue. My hands (now, in the Winter) have become dry, cracked and basically bloody, because I cant stop washing them….all day. Everyday.

I wake up each morning wondering if this day will be different. Wondering when the flu season is over, and boat season has started. The ONLY thing I’ve looked forward to in the last 4 months…is Summer. Then, I know that I can lay in the sun, hang out with my friends, have ‘boat sundays’ and not worry if today is the day Im going to throw up.

Im sick. I need help..and sometimes Im afraid of what will happen next.